What happened to us adults?

I was talking to a friend of mine and I feel the need to ignore my homework and write this post. No naming names, but you know who you are! :)

If you have kids you know what I am talking about when I say kids talk from the heart. Sometimes, at the embarrassment of their parents, but they talk from the heart nonetheless. They are exploring life. They are interested and want to learn, even if it is to know "Is that man pregnant?" or "Why is that person's skin so dark?" I even remember myself wondering the first question as a kid. I wasn't being mean. I just didn't understand. Even if you don't have kids, this applies to us all.

What happened to us as adults? When did we become afraid to show the world what we think and what we have to say? I just have to say...I hate the word embarrassment. Embarrassment just means there is judgement at the other end. Whether others are judging us or we are judging ourselves, either way, embarrassment stinks! Is it like I really meant to walk into the men's room at a movie theatre on purpose when I was 18? No, but luckily I've made my way to now thinking it is absolutely hilarious. Yes, half way in before I realized it and it was busy.

Embarrassment and judgement. I don't like either word. Embarrassment prevents us from sharing of ourselves and judgement prevents us from learning about others. And, if we do either, we run the risk of not growing as individuals.

So can we make a pact? Share with each other more. Learn from our mistakes instead of judging ourselves. And PLEASE, take a moment before you judge someone else. Not only may you not know the whole situation but, just think...when you judge you play a part in preventing someone from sharing who they are.

And to my friend who inspired this post and who is thinking about creating a blog, but not quite sure, create that blog! Remember...be as a little child and let your light so shine.

To be or not to be? That really is the question...for today at least.

This day is getting even more confusing for me as it goes along.

I wake up realizing maybe depression isn't just like those ads on tv showing everyone sad. I am not necessarily sad, but I am progressively feeling more of a motivation to not have motivation. What a slippery slope. You don't feel like doing anything. So when confronted with something you should do, you try to figure out a way not to do it. But then not doing it makes you not want to do even more things. I don't think depression is just about being sad. Whether I am on that slippery slope because I am overwhelmed, frustrated, or stressed, I don't think I am sad. It is a really weird paradox. I have a desire to be engaged and not to be at the same time. And it is a war going on all in in my head.

I pull it together enough to get my kids off to school. Then a bit of being engaged wins over as I type one of my essays that was due for my English class, that I had previously decided I wasn't going to do because I didn't want to be engaged. Then I get myself to school and the to be or not to be doesn't end with being engaged or not. I have a realization in English class that we completely admire authors for knowing their audience, for being able to get their point across to that audience, and knowing how to appeal to their audience. Then it hits me. Why do we admire this as writing is concerned, but if a person has this as their natural ability, then they often are considered manipulative? Of course I am referring to myself. I have always had an easier time understanding people and knowing how to appeal to them in order to get what I need. Just like an author needs/wants an effective essay. Of course with everything there are exceptions. I know full well, especially when I am in the height of point making, that sometimes I don't do this. Sometimes, especially in heated discussions, I unfortunately get carried away with only my point. I also know I can be wrong because this skill is based on generalizations and as I said before there are always exceptions. What I am talking about is knowing more often then not, that if I want something I need to appeal to what is important to the other person. For example, if I ordered something at a restaurant that tasted horrible, I know I have much more of a chance getting something new if I am nice to the waiter then if I am a jerk. This does not mean I am being fake though. I am truly wanting to give the other person what they want. It really is genuine, not just to get what I want. So my question that plagues me in English class is why in writing is knowing your audience in order to get your point across admired, but in real life it can be considered bad? After a discussion with my professor during break, yes I am a brave soul to bother my professor with my philosophical questions, we concluded that in both instances it is a form of manipulation but one has to more clearly define what manipulation is. I am still left with not knowing if it is good to be or not to be this way.

Still in English class, we begin a discussion on comparing and contrasting. We have just read an essay about childhood differences in men and women that lead them to deal with emotions differently. Of course, this leads to a very wonderful discussion. I love to hear other peoples' opinions especially if they differ from mine. The essay wasn't the thing that brought up the next to be or not to be for me. It actually was the discussion. The discussion really felt interesting and amazing. I ask my professor if there are any jobs in philosophy, like during Socrate's times. To which he chuckled and said, "Nope." He also said, "However, were Socrates and Aristotle really just philosophers? Nope they were teachers." Uh oh! A teacher? I am on a track to be a nurse, not a teacher! I can't even figure out how I would support my family being a teacher and a single mom. (Which of course is a separate blog all together about frustration and anger associated with my life being dictated by someone else's free agency forcing me to be a single mom.) So what do I do now? Would being an RN be terrible? No, I am very nurturing and can definitely see getting enjoyment out of it. But, is being an RN what I REALLY want to be? Should I do it because that really is the fastest way to be able to provide for my family? Should I do something because it is the most logical path? Or do I do something that would be the most fulfilling for me? And what is that anyway? I am quite troubled that being an RN may not be what I really want. To be an RN or not to be. I've got to find that out and I no longer have the time to do that. I have to know now.

Confusion, chaos, uncertainty, unanswered questions, this is the sort of stuff that brings me full circle and I just want to hide and have no motivation to deal with it all. But at the same time I really don't want to hide. That just isn't living. I guess I have to just make a decision. "To be or not to be, that is the question." That is one of the most famous quotes of literature from Shakespeare's Hamlet. Hamlet does give us thought provoking advice later in his soliloquy to this ultimate question. Yes, Hamlet is talking about life v. death but reading between the lines is the bigger advice given about the known v. the unknown. It is actually quite beautiful. It reads,

"The undiscover'd country from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,"

When faced with the unknown, we can so often choose to suffer because we don't have all the answers yet or we can choose to explore without

knowing everything. It is in the actual decision that we become paralyzed

by our own thoughts.

Oh dear Socrates, Aristotle, and Shakespeare, what do I do???

Starting a blog...

I feel like I am a late bloomer here. This is my first blog and I don't follow anyone else's, yet. And to be honest, I am starting to get a headache and feel lazy from all the time I spent creating this one. But I did it, and...I think it will be good.

I decided yesterday to start a blog. I also made the mistake of telling my 15 year old daughter. To which she promptly said, "Who would read it?" I retorted, as all moms of 15 year old daughters should limit doing, "My life is interesting." Again, she replies honestly as most 15 year olds do, "No it isn't." But I had her, I promptly said, "I could write a whole blog on just Claire." (My very precocious 7 year old daughter.) To which I got gold, "You are right," she says. I have learned to treasure hearing those words from my teen.

I do have an interesting life though. As of late, I have become not as afraid to discuss it. I am a little nervous about being so open with the blog. Who cares though?! I am so tired of trying to seem perfect. I want to get to know myself. I want to get to know others. How can we truly get to know each other if we only get to see the good side? Don't get me wrong, good sides are important. But, if that is all we show, then we even run the risk of not knowing ourselves. So here is to getting to know myself and getting to know others more. Here is mylife-honestly.

Ok, the guilt is starting to set in now, as it seems to always do. I have spent 2.5 hrs doing this. My house isn't clean. I have homework to do and bills to pay. You know what though? I feel excited and energized about having done this. I guess I can see why a lot of people do it. Well, I change that. I know why I am doing it. I realized I have far too much to say that Facebook can't contain.